It’s 2016, the reign of The Supreme Queen Bey. Donald Trump has binge-watched Mad Men on Netflix (no chill) and seems to be getting really cranky about how much women are kicking butt these days compared to the end of the 1950s. (He keeps deleting his tweets about it though – so weird!) To give you a hand, I put myself in Trump’s toupee and wrote a little guidebook for how he’d like you to behave once he’s POTUS – because if he gets in, all us “pieces of ass” will be doing the time warp in pantyhose and weird pointy bras together.
“It doesn’t really matter what [the media] writes as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” – Donald Trump.
We are here on earth to be big boobs and a great ass and thin everywhere in between. Don’t worry about juice cleanses though, we can learn from our WW2 sisters for when Donald gets us into WW3. Nothing makes dieting easier than food rations. “Quitting Sugar” will be so much easier when there is literally none. Side note: Cancel your waxing appointment, girls! Leg hair was fiiine in the 1950s, and you probably couldn’t drive anyway.
“If Hilary can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?” – Future President of Satisfaction (Donald Trump)
Let’s give Donald the benefit of the doubt here and interpret this to mean that our sexual prowess is directly related to our ability to rule a nation. Hell yeah! I don’t know about you, but this is great news for me. Shall I put it on my resume? I’ll put it on my resume. Oh wait, see Chapter 3 regarding my inability to work at all. (While we’re talking about satisfying partners, I would like to note that Donald is currently enjoying the company of his third model-or-pageant-winning wife so he’s obviously an expert in the field of satisfying his meaningfully-chosen partners.)
“She does have a very nice figure…I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” – Grand Master D-Bag (Donald Trump)
If you’re 23, you need to be married (to a man) with babies inside or around you (preferably both). Be careful how you raise his children though because it seems risky for daughters to be too good-looking in a Donald Trump-run state of affairs. Also, be careful with how you schedule feeding time because he says pumping breast milk is “disgusting, disgusting, disgusting”. He’s had kids with each of his three wives though so who knows! In a Donald-endorsed future/past, the father of your child probably won’t even be around either! Good news about your status as wife & mother @ 22 is you don’t need to work anymore! Bad news is that in the 50’s, you weren’t actually allowed to and Donald seems keen on taking us all back in time.
Chapter 3 is where Donald’s grand plan starts emerging – that what he really wants is for all the ladies to stay home and lovingly tend to their husbands’ growing yet malting wig collections. I’m not saying the world will end if he’s POTUS, I’m just saying that it will for women.